Thank You All Very Much

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letter emails over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to get a wet towel for every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink COCA COLA because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink PEPSI or
DR. PEPPER since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use SARAN WRAP in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

And, I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually AL QAEDA in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. (Even though I have never eaten the eyes or the feathers in the first place? I don't think.)

I no longer buy expensive cookies from NEIMAN MARCUS, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because the email assured me that I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and
St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

And, thanks to you, I have learned that God will only answer my prayers if I forward this same email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change, once
I receive the $15,000 that MICROSOFT and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you for looking out for me. I appreciate it so much I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this email posting to at least 144,217 people in the next 73.5 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 pm (CST) tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a large hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Laura Roberts, thanks for the post.