Seniors Testing Online Dating

(From The Seattle Times -- By Marsha King)

AL FARRAR, at age 74, was a bored and lonely widower when his daughter urged him to go online and look for a lady friend.

That's how Farrar, a retired postal-service supervisor, apprehensively came to sign up for CUPID JUNCTION, a computer-dating service. And with those few clicks, he joined a new trend.

Bolstered by the computer, the prospect of longer lives and, if needed, sex-enhancement drugs, millions of older American singles are looking for love online.

"Two years ago, the percentage of age 50-plus online daters was very, very small. Now on a daily basis that percentage is growing by leaps and bounds," says DUANE DAHL, President of PerfectMatch.com, a relationship site claiming 1.75 million members.

The downside can't be ignored -- safety risks, deceptions, disappointments. Yet even as AARP counsels seniors to beware when dating online, the advocacy group touts the strategy as a good way for older people to meet.

Match.com, which claims to be the largest computer-dating company in the world, reports older people are its fastest-growing group of members. In April alone, more than 1.6 million people age 65-plus visited online personals sites, according to NIELSEN/NETRATINGS, a service that analyzes and measures INTERNET AUDIENCES.

Many older adults like online dating for its convenience, discreet approach and big pool of potential companions pre-screened by age, interests and geography.

"When it gets to be this age, there aren't that many people around that you could team up with," says RHODA MITTENBERG of Seattle, a New York transplant in her 70s. She's looking for a peer who won't react with "Huh?" at the mention of JIMMY DURANTE or THE GREAT DEPRESSION. And if that person has A NEW YORK ACCENT? Well, that would be "like a triple play."

"If you match up with somebody and it's a good match, then you have some kind of social life. Or you may even have a traveling companion," she says. "It might even be more than that."

Romance? "Oh yeah."

It helps that the stigma of online dating has diminished.

"Fifteen years ago, it was considered desperate and a little skanky. But no longer," says SALLIE FOLEY, who writes MODERN LOVE, an advice column published in AARP's MAGAZINE. AARP now helps its members write personal ads to post with online-dating services and gives tips on how to find a match.

When older adults start dating online, they can face a range of reactions from family and friends.

JENA HUBBARD was alarmed when her 65-year-old divorced mother, who lives in another state and is not particularly computer savvy, danced around the subject, then owned up to subscribing to an online-dating service.

"I was concerned she might get into some kind of trouble" -- connecting online with a convict, perhaps, says Hubbard, 28, a public-relations professional. She admits her discomfort also stemmed from an epiphany she had -- "My mom is dating!" But her mom persisted and now has a boyfriend Hubbard describes as wonderful. "So my fears were quelled."

Meanwhile, there's plenty of common-sense advice on how to stay safe -- such as always meet in a public place. Drive your own car. Have an exit plan.

"Don't give them a home phone number, ever, until you're getting serious. If you're a woman, call them on a line that's blocked," says PEPPER SCHWARTZ, a relationship expert for PerfectMatch.com and sociology professor.

Experienced online daters advise newcomers to be prepared for little -- and sometimes not so little -- white lies about age, weight, motives and marital status.

Choices abound for online-dating services. There are larger, more generalized sites like Match.com and YahooPersonals.com, and niche sites that seek to capture a certain market -- for example, JDate.com for JEWISH SINGLES, SilverSingles.com for SENIORS, Gay.com for GAYS AND LESBIANS, and GreenSingles.com for the "progressive singles in the ENVIRONMENT, VEGETARIAN AND ANIMAL RIGHTS COMMUNITY."

Companies may allow a few free searches. But ultimately most subscribers pay from $25 to $50 a month to receive profiles of potential dates and have their own profiles disseminated.

"The most important thing to do is make sure the site you choose has a large enough database of people you're interested in and who are interested in you," advises RON GERACI, a special-projects editor for AARP.

Before prospective daters write a profile, Geraci urges them to scout out and learn from profiles of people who are similar to them, and "this will pretty much tell you what your competition is."

Online dating has worked for SARA HEMPHILL, 61, a widow with two grown children. As the owner of a small business, she can review profiles on her own schedule -- at 2 in the morning if she wants, or during a business flight.

In the past year, she's found two long-term dating companions who've become her good friends. The experience has taught her that older singles rely far less on bravado and bluff than younger daters. Life's too short.

"It's not phony. It's straight up. You tell everybody who you think you are. If somebody finds you interesting, they contact you," Hemphill says.

But online dating can also be distracting, like being in a candy store. It's sometimes hard to develop a relationship with one person when so many other possibilities are available.

Typically, when a couple get serious, they get off the Internet circuit.

In his first few months online, Farrar corresponded with four women, meeting each twice, but not feeling comfortable enough with any of them to pursue a relationship.

Then he found the intriguing ALICE EVERETT-OSWALT -- aka "REDDYNATURAL."

A redhead and a widow, she was 64 and a lot like him -- a CATHOLIC who loves to travel, play cards and go to movies.

Despite dire warnings from friends, Everett-Oswalt had been Internet dating for about two years because "I wanted a new husband. I didn't want to be alone."

Then Farrar's photo and email popped up. He didn't look particularly handsome, she says, with that little double chin just like hers. But he seemed tall. Their first date for coffee on LABOR DAY 2003 progressed to CHINESE for lunch and ended up lasting all day.

"We seemed to get along right away," says Farrar, now 76.

"I boldly hugged him goodbye," Everett-Oswalt says. "I wanted him to know how much I liked him."

Without online dating they almost certainly would not have met. Now they're planning their wedding.