No More Going Out With 'Fixer-Uppers'

(From Orlando Sentinel -- By Marisol Novak)

I like MARTHA STEWART. I admire her. I've even aspired to be like her -- and I'm not just talking about aspiring to her divine diva-hood or the bountifulness of her bitchiness.

And I'm definitely not talking about her penchant for loneliness.

But I would like to emulate her domestic goddess-hood.

I'd love to cook all day, launder my clothes until they're a sparkling white with a fresh outdoors' smell, and create antiqued tables out of discarded hurricane plywood and an organic berry stain I fermented in my basement from my neighbor's historical 200-year-old strawberry patch.

I lack those cooking, cleaning and canning skills. But that doesn't mean I can't imitate Martha's do-it-yourself resourcefulness in other areas of my life.

In fact, I've been big on DIY dating long before the DIY craze became chic.

That's right, you heard me -- DO-IT-YOURSELF DATES.

You know, those are the kind of guys (or girls) who are fixer-uppers as opposed to those guys that come mint in the box, never-been-touched, no work, elbow-grease or TLC needed.

I don't know -- those prefabricated boys always seemed too perfect. Too normal. Too nice.

Where's the fun in that? How would I ever feel like I made my mark on the guy -- how would he ever regret me later on in life when he hit his inevitable mid-20s/mid-30s crisis?

See, I need to get in there and really invest my heart, my soul and -- judging by my last experience -- my wallet into a guy. Tear down those debts. Replaster his broken heart. And bring some light into his dusty existence.
[I would be an easy investment.]

Now, while all of this beautification of his inside and outside is occurring, I'm tearing my hair out in frustration. You've heard about the money pits and irritation and aggravation associated with a remodel. It always costs more, takes more time and drains you of more energy. And in the case of DIY dating, don't forget the loss of dignity and self-esteem.

This explains that age-old problem of nice guys finishing last, of good girls dating bad boys, of the constant complaint -- Where are all the good guys in the world?
[I'm right here baby -- stuck in Connecticut.]

Problem is, in our current climate of do-it-yourself dating, nice guys and good girls aren't a big enough challenge.

Well, I'm here to tell you, this craze, this fad is finished. I declare it done. Or at the very least, I'm done with it. Because once you fix up your fixer-upper, then they sell themselves to someone else -- and you're left with nothing.

No nice remodel. No new-and-improved guy to call your own. Just your payments for therapy and a pang every time you see his new girlfriend enjoying all the hours of emotional, physical and financial exertion you spent on him.

As my MOM says, what's the point of acting like JOHNNY APPLESEED and improving the world when at the end you're only left with a pot and some seeds?

I'm done seeding the male population.

I'm done doing it myself.