The Rules Of Life

01. I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

02. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

03. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

04. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

05. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't need him again.

06. I don't have a attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

07. I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.

08. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

09. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

10. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

11. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

12. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

13. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

14. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

15. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

16. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

17. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

18. Following the rules will not get the job done.

19. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

20. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.

21. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

22. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.

23. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

24. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

25. The light at the end of the tunnel is probably an oncoming train.

26. He who laughs in the face of adversity knows the name of the person to blame.

27. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

28. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

29. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common -- they should both be changed regularly for the same reason.

30. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.

31. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

32. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time -- but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

33. When you manage to keep your head when all around are losing theirs, you have clearly failed to understand the seriousness of the problem.

34. An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until in the end he knows absolutely everything about absolutely nothing.