New Work Protocol

DRESS CODE
It's advised you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing PRADA shoes and carrying a GUCCI bag, we assume you're doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you're
right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you're able to go to the doctor, you're able to
come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They're called Saturday and Sunday.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There's now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's Mental Health Policy.

LUNCH BREAKS
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a SLIM FAST.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We're here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Laura Roberts, thanks for the post.